Reflection.

I am beginning to feel as though things are finally beginning to settle down. As past posts illustrate, 2018 has tested me to say the least.

Turning 30 is definitely a milestone. I always thought I’d react to turning 30 the way Joey did:

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Image Credit: Google

But, as the big day approached, I decided to look at it positively. Sure I was turning 30, but I live an unconventional life. I live with my best friend and my (now) fiancé. Sure I work in corporate America, yet I walk around with blue hair, piercings, and ink. I do not have children, and doubt I ever will. Most people my age are divorced, though some are still happily married. Almost everyone I know that is my age has a child, or in some cases, several. They have mortgages, multiple vehicles in the family, etc. But I’ve kept it simple. I love my little unconventional family . The lifestyle I lead aided me in looking at turning 30 as a positive thing.

I planned a trip to Las Vegas in December of last year, to be taken the weekend after my birthday. I remember very clearly being excited for the trip. It was January 17th, a mere two days before Vegas and two days after big day. Talking with a friend about my excitement (this would be my first trip to Vegas as a legal adult), I got a bit too animated, which resulted in my falling off a small curb and fracturing my ankle. Did I let that stop me from enjoying my birthday trip? NOPE.

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Splint and all, I got a wheel chair comped from Vdara. We stayed in a condo on the 50th floor. Thanks Airbnb! The trip was perfect, other than my inability to walk of course. But, I am so happy I took this trip. It was on my bucket list, and really, we had so much fun that we are planning annual Vegas trips. I definitely needed the break and spending 3 days very far from sober was helpful.

A few days later, January 24, 2018, I got the phone call that changed my life forever. I can’t explain it, but I saw “Vader” pop up on my caller ID. But somehow I knew Dad wasn’t on the line, and I knew we’d never have another conversation again. I knew I wouldn’t be calling him while I walked home from work. I wouldn’t be making trips to visit him on his side of town. I knew the camping trip we’d taken almost 8 years prior together was the last one I’d ever take with him.

I answered the phone to my brother sobbing hysterically. “Dad is gone. He’s dead.”

I didn’t know what to feel. Relief he wasn’t in pain anymore. Sadness and hopelessness because my best friend was dead. Disbelief because even though I knew it was true, part of me didn’t want to believe it. I think some days, that part of me still suppresses the fact that he’s gone. I’ve picked up the phone to call several times, only to have my heart broken all over again.

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I miss him every day, and that doesn’t lessen. But, I’ve gotten used to the fact that he’s gone. I’ve accepted that he will not be walking me down the aisle in 2020 for my Hawaii wedding. It’s heavy stuff and some days are easier than others.

2018 has absolutely changed me. Instead of playing the victim, I am taking the lessons from this year and moving forward. If I were to pass away at the same age as my Dad, my life is half way over and I have nothing to show for it. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to make others happy and attempting to conform to what society deems appropriate.

Moving forward I am focusing on things make me happy. Reading. Writing. Family.

When I was 14 I stated using Social Media heavily. At this point in my life, I enjoy communicating through the written form as opposed to face to face contact, which I do for work on a consistent basis. So here’s to positive changes and doing what I want to do.

This isn’t to say I won’t have discipline. I still have a day job to go to. I still have to write everyday, sometimes by force. This isn’t about not having rules. This is about having rules that align with my goals and living a life that I’m proud of.

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